if loving me just makes you hurt, i don't want to be loved by you

ermm..


anyway, i dont know how to start this..


>.<





but this makes me feel so bad today.


Maybe i will start to tell what is the reason that i can feel bad.


the answer id b'coz of him.


who is he?


he is my friend that i know by network.


and we just communicate by net and cell.


I think he got my cell numb at my facebook, because i ever fill my cell numb at there coz invited by my bro.


But now, i have already changed the last numb becomes private.





Here's the story began..


He send me message to my cell and ask me to intro.


and I gave him response, then we be friends now.


After that, he always sms me almost all time.


Honestly, it's really disturb me, but i think it's still ok coz i'm still can handle it.


And i dont always reply all his sms, while i'm busy with my things.





After few days, I don't know what makes him feel so addicted with me.


He makes me feel scare a little, coz he almost show me his agressive side.


He will angry if I don't response him.


He will said that he won't eat if i don't tell him that I'm OK.


That makes me feel so confused and I must reply his message.


I ever think, why I feel so uncomfort while I'm talking with him.


I must talk to him carefully, coz if I said something wrong, I think he will threat me with his silly mind.


yeah, it's silly but also can makes me scare..


Oh My GOD!


What's my guilty? until I can meet this CASE.. =.=


He also said to me that he loves me, he asked me to be his gf..


but I said I can't.


I prefer to be her friend than to be her gf..


Exactly I can't have a relationship with someone that I don't know well and never meet before.


And I hope that he can understand bout my decision..


But I'm WRONG, he CAN'T UNDERSTAND ME..








and finally today is coming..


In this morning I've already feel that anything's wrong when I woke up today..


But I don't know what will happen..


I have bad instinct from the morning..


But I don't tell anyone..


My sis also asked me what happen to me..


I just said that I'm headache coz the weather was so hot..


>.<





At noon, he also still send me a message..


He wrote that he won't eat until I reply him coz he will wait me..


I feel so moody about that, but I still reply him and tell him that I'm just fine and so busy..


Then he replied that he will eat at that time..


I don't reply him anymore after that..





And the top of all this problems is began..


He send me a message when I just back home from teaching..


I'm still feel tired, but his message really makes me annoyed..





His 1st message :


" do u forget me? U know I'm waiting u and I don't eat this whole day "





>>> I don't reply this message <<<





His 2nd message :


" If u don't care bout my feeling, it's ok, i understood, maybe i'm too much hope to make u love me. And I want u know that I'm at hospital now and I'm sick b'coz of U "





>>> I decide to reply this message <<<





I wrote " I don't ask u to hurt yourself for me. If I just can make u sick, better we don't know each other coz I don't want to be the reason why my friends can sick and I also don't want my friend sick for me "





Am I wrong if I replied like that?


But I also feel so stressed of him..





After that he said that better he goes away from this life, he said that he has serious gastric disorder and also has brain cancer. And he said that he will get headache if he was too worried with someone.





He really makes me feel so sorry with him.


But I still strong on my first decision that I can't be his GF..


and I just can say sorry to him and tell him that I don't like he told me like that.


I also said that I can't understand him and he also can't understand me.


And the last message that he sent to me, He said that he wants to take a rest.


If he can wake up tomorrow, he will greet me good morning, but if he won't wake up again, that's the last message that he sent to me.





ANd I just reply..


Go to take a rest and just pray to GOD..





I believe in GOD..


Coz he can't judge his self that he will go away..


He isn't GOD..





And now what can i do?


I also said that I want to be loved..


But I don't want to be loved like this..


If I must be loved like this, I better alone..





like the quote above:





** I won't to be ALONE but sometimes it's NECESSARY **









I wish all that he's done to me today was truth and not lie..
But if he was lie, I also don't know..
I just can see this life by the possitive side..
But if He can understand me..

~I don't want to be loved if I just hurt him so deep~